Well I made it to the six month mark last Friday. MRI last Monday and my appointment with my surgeon today. Great news … My scan was clear again! Those two little mystery spots are still there but haven’t changed. Josh took the day off to come with me, bummer that we had to take two cars but this weekend I meet the girls for some deep conversation and great food. So we spent the 6.5 minutes with the doctor and then ventured out and found this fantastic bowl place “Backyard Bowls.” Really great time except for the fact that I am sick with a nasty cough.
Why did I have to be sick this weekend? As I’m writing this, it’s 2:37am. I can’t sleep, it’s like every time I’m almost asleep my throat closes up and I can’t breathe, gasping for air. It actually reminds me of the crazy nights up writing before and after my surgery. I was so honest then about how everything was going and maybe the reason I can’t sleep tonight is because it’s time to be honest again.
These past 3 months have been super hard … oh I know it seems like I’m getting better and stronger and that is true. But my heart is so fragile, I’m on the edge of tears constantly. I don’t know exactly what to do with myself or how to make it through TJ’s without crying. When someone asks how’s it going? I don’t know how to respond … I just want to hide.
So what’s the problem? I think it’s a lot of things all stacked up on my shoulders and I’m caving in. Last week was the 10 year anniversary of my dad passing away, then another MRI… (my favorite), and Josh deciding to go back to Sports Warehouse. Each in itself is not going to send me over the edge, but the combo has left me in a bit of a messy place. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to handle it all …all the stress, all the change!
My friend Jodi and I walked the streets of SB tonight, just talking and walking for hours. She is my closest friend, how is it that she knows exactly the right questions to ask? She challenges my answers to make me think deeper and then starts saying something about heaven and how we will be able to walk and never see them same thing twice. We stop at this gorgeous building with an archway where a man with his guitar was playing. The archway creating the most amazing acoustics. We just sat on the steps and listened to his sweet voice and fingers picking at the strings. I was at complete peace for a few moments until I started coughing and we headed back for meds and tea and beds. And now here I am typing instead of sleeping … I’m going to be hurting tomorrow!