Wendi Lou Lee

The MRI tube.

We don’t like each other much.

It’s nothing personal, just not a fun place for me to hang out. It’s too noisy and too quiet all at once. Sometimes it’s as though I can’t breathe and other times my throat is so dry that I feel the need to swallow every other minute.

How do I push it all aside and stay perfectly still?

Convincing myself that the time is almost up…it has to be. I’m waiting for the calming voice of my favorite radiology tech—Dan, asking me how I’m doing and telling me how much time is left in the next round of beeps.

But he didn’t come to work today. A short lady is here in his place. She doesn’t smile or know any of my history. Her voice is cold. Unfamiliar. It’s another day of work to her. Not for me.

A Calm Voice Makes All the Difference

Dan is a jolly fellow. A bit of a hippie, a little younger than my mom. He’s the one who found my brain tumor in 2015, he has walked with me through the last ten brain scans. I know all about his after-work surf sessions and he asks about the next book I’m writing. By now we’re friends. His calming voice makes all the difference.

Last week we read about the famous Little House episode, “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.” Mary was that calming voice for Laura crying in bed over Almanzo. After brain surgery my sister, Brenda, used her words to calm my frantic state of mind in ICU.

But today, I’m on my own.

I crave Dan’s peaceful presence on the other end of the intercom speaker. I miss his warm smile. He’s nowhere to be found. Just me and my thoughts…and the beeps.

Our people can’t always be with us.

What will you do when the familiar voice, the one you rely on isn’t around? Who will you turn to?

My mind went back to the very first brain scan. When my head was throbbing and my hope had run out. I didn’t know Dan back then. The thought of having a brain tumor didn’t even compute. I was sure the MRI would turn out to be a waste of time and money.

Enduring the Hard, Makes Us Lean Hard

I knew something was terribly wrong. And never had I been so broken inside. The continuous pain, for far too long, took a toll on my usual joyful spirit. I desperately grasped for anything to help. And what do you know…The fullness of God filled every ounce of my heart as I laid there repeating a verse in my head.

It’s my go-to, a verse I’ve said hundreds of times over the last six years. It reminds me how enduring hard circumstances gives us the opportunity to know God more fully. And sometimes, me feeling alone through the endless beeps makes it easier to lean hard on the One voice who knows me best.

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving, recognizing, and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and more clearly…

Philippians 3:10a AMPC

When your usual voices aren’t around, remember the voice of God is the most calming of all. It doesn’t have to be audible to carry unfathomable peace. It just needs to be affirmed in your heart, spoken out loud in your mind.

My silent voice becomes His calming voice? How convenient.

It makes all the difference.

While waiting for results.

While living through pain.

When you know what’s coming.

When you don’t have a clue.

His calming voice makes all the difference.