When I arrived back at the room, Brenda was there after a sleeping break… she was probably thinking we were about due for a relaxing hangout time…well not exactly. I just lost it, the pain in my head from the MRI just wouldn’t stop and I had a full-blown panic attack, at least that is what it seemed like… I’ve never felt that way before! Uncontrollable crying and shaking mostly and I must say that it felt like the lies of the Devil were echoing in my ears … every fear, every doubt was like this crazy dark thunder-cloud over me. Chelsea was quick to see what was happening and gave me something to calm me down, I don’t know exactly what it was…she didn’t even tell me, I just took it. Probably an anti-anxiety med? Bren just sat and rocked me until the shakes were gone and I was at peace.
The rest of the day ended up being pretty chill, I got to order my lunch … Such yummy food! Everyone was trying to get me to sleep as much as possible… that was a lost cause because my mind was going 200mph. I wanted to talk about everything… like every detail of everything, I wanted to be in the know! My precious husband and twinner were getting frustrated because I wasn’t allowing myself to rest, so preoccupied with all the minute, unnecessary things happening. I was asking all these questions and supposing about it all, like my mind could grasp the reasoning and I was feeling kinda smart. I think when your health is on the line, you get very interested … very quickly interested in all the medical jargon. I wanted to know it all and then for us all to process it too. Exhausting for them to get me to just shut my trap! I know now that this was the Decadron, the steroid relieving the swelling on my brain due to surgery, making me so manic and not allowing me to sleep.
So you can imagine how my “Dream Team” aka Josh and Brenda were feeling… I kept saying that I was being a good patient but the real thing I needed to do was rest and sleep and I wasn’t. Not on purpose … it almost didn’t feel possible. Drugs are a crazy thing … and even now at home I’m realizing that a huge part of my recovery is going to be weaning myself from these blasted things. I think when your brain is opened up and a tumor is taken out, the drugs are used to relieve the trauma of surgery. They are of course useful and necessary, but terrible at the same time. After all surgeries, the management of pain is a very delicate thing, I’m positive that we will overcome this journey as well!