Day 16 – November 9th … Boot Camp & Anxiety Attack … Not a Great Combo
It’s Monday … and
honestly the morning went so fast, before I knew it my mom and sister where there. Josh and Brenda gave them the plan for the day and what their responsibilities were … Bren headed home and Josh headed to the movie … This is when that actually happened!
Our first step was a shower and real clothes. This sounds easy but it took a lot of time and I was exhausted by the time I was done… But we did it, clothes on. I had to take a rest … then there were all kinds of people in and out to check on me, clean our room, discharge instructions … And then a spiritual counselor named Lolita came in. What a sweet lady! She just sat and listened to me and shared Scripture with me and prayed for me … I was so encouraged!
About this time my mom and Heidi were going to get some food so they headed to the cafeteria and I had dinner. I don’t know how it happened but all the sudden this crazy fear struck me and I felt the prickling in my scalp and the mild headache growing on my brow … It was time for more pain meds but it hadn’t been long enough … Only every four hours. I started to panic and texted Heidi that I needed them back there ASAP. Well this started a full-blown anxiety attack … By the time they arrived back to my room I was shaking uncontrollably and the pain just seemed to get worse. I had 10 minutes to wait and they seemed like the longest ten minutes. My mom and Heidi put pressure on my legs to keep me stablized and we just got through those 10 minutes. Then my nurse, Haley seemed to be taking her sweet time but no it wasn’t true … Just the anxiety talking! She finally gave me the Norco but remember only oral meds today … No IV, we have to wait for them to kick in. This takes at least 30 minutes! I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to have my mom and Heidi with me that day … Angels to be with me and really listen to how I was feeling. I will never forget the way they held me during that anxiety attack. Thank you Mom … Thank you Heidi!
This continued to happen in the hospital and I found a way to get through it … I put on my For All Seasons music and got out my verses to read… Deep breathes and surrender of my will stopped the anxiety. This may be a good time to share about the nasty Norco and how the anxiety continued when we got home, all attached to me taking this terrible drug. I thought that I had the anxiety under control when we got home, but the devil was really trying to get between Josh and I. You see he isn’t much of a drug person, he doesn’t even take Advil for a headache … Unless he is really hurting. So I think the thought of me being on the pain meds frightened him. He wanted me to be off the Norco like yesterday … but I was scared of the pain and the anxiety. When we got home I had lots of anxiety attacks that I could cope with, through prayer and Scripture and music. Then the next time it happened, it didn’t work … I was freaking out and began praying against the devil, telling him to leave in the name of Jesus, that he had no power in my life. The anxiety attack left immediately.
The next day I got distracted, Brenda was here and all the sudden I realized that I had gone over 5 hours without the Norco, then another 5 hour chunk. Well Brenda left and then all the sudden I wasn’t doing so good, I had quite a headache and another anxiety attack hit. The worst thing was that it all began around 5pm, the kids had just gotten home and I was upstairs pretty miserable. I was in extreme pain but I think it was the anxiety that made the pain so unbearable. This is when I went a little physco … pounding on the wall, demanding Josh to call my doctor, my surgeon, go to the ER … anything to help. It felt like Josh was taking forever and thinking I was a crazy person. I was not myself people … I was even scaring myself! They finally got a call from my surgeon to give me a Zanax to settle me down. It worked right away and the episode was over. My neurologist then warned them that Norco and Zanax is not a good mix and that I shouldn’t take any more.
Well the next day, it happened again and I’m embarrassed to say but I demanded another Zanax. I said the most terrible thing to my sweetie, something I can’t even bear to write, basically threatening him to give in to me. He was stuck and didn’t know what to do … He gave me the Zanax and then said he couldn’t take care of me anymore. For the next three days he just checked out … Joette took the next two night shifts by herself and Brenda came to do the third. We were not in a good place but it was unavoidable. It wasn’t until Tuesday morning when I took the last Norco … we headed to Santa Barbara and things began to get better. Honestly I think I quit cold turkey for Josh, in a way to prove to him that I was choosing him over the Norco.
OK long drug story but let’s get back to the boot camp Monday. After the anxiety episode, I recovered and then we had one more thing to do, walk. We headed down the hall and made it to the elevators, across from the elevators were those stairs I had walked up the morning of the surgery, there was no way we were going up the stairs. We saw a bench and took a rest for about 5 minutes before I was ready to keep going. We made it to the lobby and rested again before heading back to my room.
One thing I love is how all my conversations are just more real, no fluff! In the lobby that night was no different and I’ll cherish that time on the “walk” forever. I didn’t think I would be so tired just walking to the lobby and back. To be quite honest I was discouraged and realizing that this recovery was going to be harder than I thought. The pictures are from our walk … you will notice the big zit-looking thing on my forehead … For the record this is not a zit, (even though it looks like one) this is where they secured my head during surgery’ along with two other spots hidden by my hair. That stinkin’ thing is still not healed, but as I write this I’m at Starbucks celebrating one month out from my surgery with a White Chocolate Latte. I’m thinking of you Bekah Pogue … I’m at our Starbucks!